It is not often in this life that you have to ask yourself whether something is a gigantic sultana or the withered testicle of a giant. Yet, that is what befalls us all at this moment.
Fri 30 Oct 2026 15.25 AEDT
The original Big Thing. Photo: AAP Image/Dave Hunt
It is not often in this life that you have to ask yourself whether something is a gigantic sultana or the withered testicle of a giant. Yet, that is what befalls us all at this moment.
Mildura has just unveiled the latest in Australia’s grand pantheon of Big Things. The Big Sultana now takes its place amongst the Pineapple, Lobster, Rockinghorse, and plethora of other normal-things-gone-large that have become our nation’s contribution to the modern wonders of the world.
Over the years, I have become a self-appointed appraiser and commentator on all things Big Things, having written a romantic comedy novel about a town that makes its own Big Thing. Whenever a Big Thing is built, I take it upon myself to apply a clear metric so we can judge whether this is a Big Thing the deserves to stand the test of time.
Well, the crack researchers at the ABC were kind enough to break out the measuring tape and tell us it is 525 times the size of the average sultana. It is less than a third as big as the Big Pineapple, which any schoolchild would know is sixteen thousand sultanas high.
Yet, it is still a Big Thing. It is undeniably Bigger than the Thing, unlike, say, the controversial ‘Big Ayers Rock’ which before being lost to a fire, was the only big thing smaller than the thing it claimed to represent.
Verdict: B-
The best Big Things are ones that capture the community. Often these are products produced in the town. Sometimes, like with the Big Bogan of Nyngan, they capture an attitude, a way of life, a certain je ne sais quoi or perhaps even je ne sais quoi, I am not sure of which as I am also a Big Bogan.
Well, the Big Sultana just so happens to sit in the nation’s biggest dried fruit and grape area of the country. If it’s withered and wrinkled, you’ll find it here. Fair play to them.
Verdict: A+
Big Things are sacred objects. In modern times, corporate entities have tried to push their way into the Big Thing Pantheon with the Big Big Mac taken down in a scene I would have to imagine resembled the toppling of Saddam Hussein’s statues.
Quality research, analysis, explainers and factchecks from experts you can trust.
The best Big Things are made for one main reason: no reason at all. They are driven out of boredom, they are Covid Lockdown Projects, and yes, they are means by which to promote a town to tourists but they are a strange way to do this, and more often than you would think they are not a tourism strategy enacted by a small town action committee directed by the Mayor but rather the work of some kook being a kook. This is a wonderful thing. We are a nation of weirdos and we should be proud of that.
The Mildura Sultana was created by Sunbeam. It is an attempt at viral marketing. No points.
Verdict: F
Let’s rip the bandaid off here. This sultana is unbelievably weird. If you were walking home and it emerged around the corner, you would scream. It looks like it belongs in the final work of an avante-garde 1970s animator right before the LSD eroded their last functioning neuron.
Also, it looks like a testicle. Not a healthy testicle. The testicle you would find on Tutenkamen when the bandage slipped off his mummified body. If your dog had one of these, you’d take him to the vet. You’d have him fixed immediately.
However, in my own personal aesthetic preference of the Big Things, this testicularity is an absolute unequivocal good thing. The Big Things should look weird! They should be a little uncomfortable. What would Robertson be without the potato that’s clearly a turd?
Be honest with yourself right now. Would you turn off a highway to look at a sultana that’s bigger than a normal sultana? No? Well, would you turn off the highway to go look at a gigantic anthropomorphic testicle with the facial expression of a horny Dreamworks dad? That’s what I thought.
Verdict: A+
I cannot and will not ever support the creation of a corporate Big Thing, trying to shoulder its way into one of our most sacred institutions just for some free advertising space.
However, I will thoroughly endorse a corporate disaster in the making as a town is forever blighted by the creation of a giant testicle that must have gone through so many focus groups, process meetings and executive sign-offs.
Welcome to the Big Things, Big Sultana. You’re ugly, you were made for the wrong reasons, and no one asked for you. Seems we have a lot in common.
James Colley is the head writer of Gruen on ABC TV and the author of The Next Big Thing.
